"You get what you give. When you give better, you get better.
If you put your relationship in a win/lose situation, it will be a lose/lose situation."
Give better to get better? What? I must say that Dr. Phil is WAY off on this one. Call me pessimistic, but some people just aren't nice. They don't care how much you give, they just want more! And reciprocation? That word does not even exist in their vocabulary! For example, in-law's. When is it ever enough for them? You are never good enough for their son, your mistakes are never forgiven, you never make enough of an effort... never never never! If there was ever a conditional relationship, it would be defined by as the one between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. A daughter-in-law can give and keep giving, but will she ever win her mother-in-law's complete and undying approval? Highly unlikely. You can keep giving better, You can give BEST, but it will always fall short. Reciprocation will only be a result of some miracle or fleeting moment of affection. But, to Dr Phil's credit, I think the point he is trying to make here is that regardless of what we get, we should give. And if we give better (with no expectations, preferably), we just might be surprised! Let us hope Dr. Phil is right on this. It isn't any fun to keep giving and not getting anything in return, is it?
Win/lose situation. Now this can be somewhat probable. I have been reading a great deal about the power of willing lately. I stumbled up on this first when I was skimming through "The Secret". And now again in Dan Brown's "The Lost Symbol". The best way to approach is your marriage is with the intention that you will make it work. If you look at your marriage as being doomed, then it is! No matter how much of a pessimist or even a realist you are, looking at marriage with an optimistic outlook is the key to its success. When you got married, when you took your vows, you did so with the intention of making it work for life! So why then over the course of the years do we lose sight of this promise we make to ourselves and to our spouse? Very good point!
No marriage is perfect. Far from it! But butting marriage against a do or die type of situation would only lead to further demise, wouldn't you say? Forget the win/lose and lose/lose situation. Forget even the win/win situation. It isn't about how well the marriage works, the point is that it works! When you look at it through this perspective, the beauty lies in the simplicity of just wanting to make your marriage work. Period. And that will teach you to give better without any expectation of getting better. See! It is a vicious circle and it does work. Or at least that's what I've convinced myself. But the real question here is, have I convinced you?
Showing posts with label indian marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label indian marriage. Show all posts
4.12.09
10.11.09
When was 'marriage' established?
Despite being such a common institution across the world, it is almost impossible to find conclusive information on when exactly the concept of marriage or marrying came into being. Try looking for yourself... My first instinct told me to look for the origin of marriage or the history of marriage on Google. I was amazed to find that only ONE website could provide an approximate timeline on marriage and its many phases, predominantly in Western civilization. But the irony of it is, there is no information on what the institution of marriage used to be called before Roman times. The only thing that can be established, however, is that the concept of 'marriage', so to speak, existed before recorded history. In different cultures through the globe, marriage used to exist as a means for progeny and nurturing. Call it animal instinct if you should...
The etymology of modern English marriage (ca. 1250-1300 C.E.): Marriage was first derived from Latin marītāre (to marry) and marītus (of marriage), then from Old French marier (to marry), and finally from Middle English mariage.
Food for thought...
Consider all the ideas surrounding modern day marriage in your culture, in your family, in your immediate peer circle. Now imagine that all the rules and regulations -- the do's and dont's, the have to's, and the should do's, they are all predicated by us. Over the years... these are guidelines that we have imposed upon ourselves as means of being 'civilized.' But the real question here is, are we more civilized today than we were in the days when marriage was nothing but a simple union between two individuals who wanted to respond to their instincts? Or have we restricted the simplicity of this union to such extents that somewhere along the way we have lost the true beauty and joy of this universal relationship?
While I try to dig deeper and find more concrete information on marriage, here is the only solid information I could find online:
3,000 B.C. - Marriage first becomes the way the upper classes conclude business deals and peace treaties, cementing socio-political alliances. Ancient societies experiment with polygamy - and in the case of Egyptian royalty, incest among siblings - to forge strong bonds of civilization.
500 B.C. - Short-lived experiment in democracy in ancient Greece actually worsens the status of women. Love is honored - but among men only. In marriage, inheritance is more important than emotional bonds: A woman whose father dies without male heirs can be forced to marry her nearest male relative, even if she has to divorce her husband first.
Circa A.D. 550 - Emperor Justinian tries to enact a requirement for a wedding license, but the unpopular measure is revoked. (He, meanwhile, managed to get a law passed that allowed him to marry a "penitent" former actress, Theodora ).
A.D. 800 - Holy Roman Emperor Charlemagne outlaws polygamy. Germanic warlords, even baptized Christians, still acquire wives for strategic reasons.
900 - The Roman Catholic Church tries to require people to obtain the church's blessing of sexual unions, but is reluctant to thereby create millions of "illegitimate" children whose parents don't obey the edict. The church, however, wins a battle by denying royalty the right to divorce on a whim.
1000 - Catholic clergy are no longer allowed to marry. Upper-class marriages are often arranged before the couple has met. Aristocrats believe love is incompatible with marriage and can flourish only in adultery.
1200 - Common folk in Europe now need a marriage license to wed. Ordinary people can't choose whom to marry, either. The lord of one manor decrees in 1344 that all his unmarried tenants - including the widowed - must marry spouses of his choosing. Elsewhere, peasants wishing to pick a partner must pay a fee.
1500-1600 - Protestant moralists elevate the status of marriage over the Catholic gold standard of celibacy, but enact even stricter controls over annulments.
1769 - The American colonies, basing their regulations on English common law, decree: "The very being and legal existence of the woman is suspended during the marriage, or at least is incorporated into that of her husband under whose wing and protection she performs everything."
1800 - Marriage for love, not for property or prestige, is gaining wider acceptance. But women are still completely subjected to male authority.
1874 - The South Carolina Supreme Court rules that men no longer may beat their wives.
1891 - England's Parliament passes a law that men cannot imprison their wives (or deny them freedom of movement from the home).
1900 - By now, every state in America has passed legislation modeled after New York's Married Women's Property Act of 1848, granting married women some control over their property and earnings.
1920s - The Roaring Twenties bring about the biggest sexual revolution in marriage to-date and divorce rates triple. The Supreme Court upholds people's right to marry someone of a different religion.
1965 - In Griswold v. Connecticut, the U.S. Supreme Court overturns one of the last state laws prohibiting the prescription or use of contraceptives by married couples. Seven years later, the right to use contraceptives is extended to unmarried people.
1967 - Interracial marriage is decriminalized in all states when the U.S. Supreme Court strikes down Virginia's anti-miscegenation statutes.
1968 - The Supreme Court upholds the rights of children of unmarried parents.
1969 - California adopts the nation's first "no-fault" divorce law, allowing divorce by mutual consent.
1970s - Most states overturn rules designating a husband "head and master" with unilateral control of property owned jointly with his wife.
Information from: A little perspective on marriage
The etymology of modern English marriage (ca. 1250-1300 C.E.): Marriage was first derived from Latin marītāre (to marry) and marītus (of marriage), then from Old French marier (to marry), and finally from Middle English mariage.
Food for thought...
Consider all the ideas surrounding modern day marriage in your culture, in your family, in your immediate peer circle. Now imagine that all the rules and regulations -- the do's and dont's, the have to's, and the should do's, they are all predicated by us. Over the years... these are guidelines that we have imposed upon ourselves as means of being 'civilized.' But the real question here is, are we more civilized today than we were in the days when marriage was nothing but a simple union between two individuals who wanted to respond to their instincts? Or have we restricted the simplicity of this union to such extents that somewhere along the way we have lost the true beauty and joy of this universal relationship?
While I try to dig deeper and find more concrete information on marriage, here is the only solid information I could find online:
The evolution of marriage: a timeline
Prehistoric - Marriage basically turns strangers into relatives, decreasing tribal tensions.3,000 B.C. - Marriage first becomes the way the upper classes conclude business deals and peace treaties, cementing socio-political alliances. Ancient societies experiment with polygamy - and in the case of Egyptian royalty, incest among siblings - to forge strong bonds of civilization.
500 B.C. - Short-lived experiment in democracy in ancient Greece actually worsens the status of women. Love is honored - but among men only. In marriage, inheritance is more important than emotional bonds: A woman whose father dies without male heirs can be forced to marry her nearest male relative, even if she has to divorce her husband first.
Circa A.D. 550 - Emperor Justinian tries to enact a requirement for a wedding license, but the unpopular measure is revoked. (He, meanwhile, managed to get a law passed that allowed him to marry a "penitent" former actress, Theodora ).
A.D. 800 - Holy Roman Emperor Charlemagne outlaws polygamy. Germanic warlords, even baptized Christians, still acquire wives for strategic reasons.
900 - The Roman Catholic Church tries to require people to obtain the church's blessing of sexual unions, but is reluctant to thereby create millions of "illegitimate" children whose parents don't obey the edict. The church, however, wins a battle by denying royalty the right to divorce on a whim.
1000 - Catholic clergy are no longer allowed to marry. Upper-class marriages are often arranged before the couple has met. Aristocrats believe love is incompatible with marriage and can flourish only in adultery.
1200 - Common folk in Europe now need a marriage license to wed. Ordinary people can't choose whom to marry, either. The lord of one manor decrees in 1344 that all his unmarried tenants - including the widowed - must marry spouses of his choosing. Elsewhere, peasants wishing to pick a partner must pay a fee.
1500-1600 - Protestant moralists elevate the status of marriage over the Catholic gold standard of celibacy, but enact even stricter controls over annulments.
1769 - The American colonies, basing their regulations on English common law, decree: "The very being and legal existence of the woman is suspended during the marriage, or at least is incorporated into that of her husband under whose wing and protection she performs everything."
1800 - Marriage for love, not for property or prestige, is gaining wider acceptance. But women are still completely subjected to male authority.
1874 - The South Carolina Supreme Court rules that men no longer may beat their wives.
1891 - England's Parliament passes a law that men cannot imprison their wives (or deny them freedom of movement from the home).
1900 - By now, every state in America has passed legislation modeled after New York's Married Women's Property Act of 1848, granting married women some control over their property and earnings.
1920s - The Roaring Twenties bring about the biggest sexual revolution in marriage to-date and divorce rates triple. The Supreme Court upholds people's right to marry someone of a different religion.
1965 - In Griswold v. Connecticut, the U.S. Supreme Court overturns one of the last state laws prohibiting the prescription or use of contraceptives by married couples. Seven years later, the right to use contraceptives is extended to unmarried people.
1967 - Interracial marriage is decriminalized in all states when the U.S. Supreme Court strikes down Virginia's anti-miscegenation statutes.
1968 - The Supreme Court upholds the rights of children of unmarried parents.
1969 - California adopts the nation's first "no-fault" divorce law, allowing divorce by mutual consent.
1970s - Most states overturn rules designating a husband "head and master" with unilateral control of property owned jointly with his wife.
Information from: A little perspective on marriage
9.11.09
What an auspicious day to start!
Marriage. It changes everything you know as a person. It forces you to dig deep, muster strength, and nurture patience. But ever wonder... how did marriage come into existence? what does marriage mean? why do human beings strive to achieve a successful marriage as the ultimate goal? do we truly understand the purpose of marriage?
Many would say that marriage is a very individual experience. It is never the same for two people nor will it ever be. But the basic foundations of marriage will speak many languages to people from varying backgrounds and genders -- be it ethnic, financial, geographic, religious (or non), literate (or illiterate), and societal stature. So what is it about marriage that makes it common ground for people to relate? It was after my wedding and my first few months into marriage that I found myself asking these questions. And these few tumultuous months were the catalyst for this blog. A place where I hope to find myself in marriage, find reason where there are only doubts, and find peace in a union that will last a lifetime.
So keep reading... coz this blog will be a treat for all those married, single, committed, or in an it's complicated relationship status. You will relate to everything I write, and if you don't, you will be baffled by the things that marriage involves
Note: My experiences are purely that of a woman raised in a very open and tolerant family environment, but living in a society that has little tolerance for most things in life. However, let me assure you that no matter how different our backgrounds are, we will without a doubt understand each other.
Many would say that marriage is a very individual experience. It is never the same for two people nor will it ever be. But the basic foundations of marriage will speak many languages to people from varying backgrounds and genders -- be it ethnic, financial, geographic, religious (or non), literate (or illiterate), and societal stature. So what is it about marriage that makes it common ground for people to relate? It was after my wedding and my first few months into marriage that I found myself asking these questions. And these few tumultuous months were the catalyst for this blog. A place where I hope to find myself in marriage, find reason where there are only doubts, and find peace in a union that will last a lifetime.
So keep reading... coz this blog will be a treat for all those married, single, committed, or in an it's complicated relationship status. You will relate to everything I write, and if you don't, you will be baffled by the things that marriage involves
Note: My experiences are purely that of a woman raised in a very open and tolerant family environment, but living in a society that has little tolerance for most things in life. However, let me assure you that no matter how different our backgrounds are, we will without a doubt understand each other.
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