How many times have you wanted to say this?
You are newly married... you have some unnecessary words thrown at you and all you want to do is yell, "oh, hell no!" but you don't! Forcefully shutting it in as a means to subside tempers and create harmony.
- Wedding day frenzy. You: "It is my wedding too! And I do not want to dress in that." Mom: "It is the tradition. You HAVE to. Make your in-laws happy." You: "Oh, hell no!"
- M-i-l: "I could have found someone better for my son." You: "Oh, hell no!"
- Aunt (of yours): "You should do everything because you are the girl." You: "Oh, hell no!"
- Uncle (of your spouse, 4 days after your wedding): "The next time you visit, it must be with a baby BOY. That is my blessing." You: "Oh, HELL NO!"
- Society talks. Relative: "You shouldn't let your husband help with the laundry. People talk." You: "Oh, HELL NO!"
Hell no... Does staying quiet show signs of being a push over? Or in marriage, does that make you smart? I have been told there are better ways to handle these things. Not by creating a ruckus, nor by pretending it never happened. Instead, by using diplomacy for the common good.
For example... Aunt: "You should do everything because you are the girl." You: "I know I will have to put in a lot of effort. But I definitely cannot succeed without my husband's help."
Wow! The diplomacy of the entire statement. Not only are you AGREEING with your aunt, you make it seem like your husband's help is pivotal in marriage (which it is). Marriage is, unfortunately, a game. A game where survival is of the fittest. You have to be strong mentally and emotionally. To be worn down can be a task so easy and achievable that you will not see it hit you. But to walk the path of marriage, no matter how arduous, and to make it work, requires the ability to be tolerant and treasure words like they are your best friend.
"Words are like a dagger. Use them well." Master the game, and you are sure to find marital gratification.
21.12.09
19.12.09
My love...
If one were to describe the reason for my love
Oh, how in vain would the attempt be,
Endless, vast, infinite
Like a starlit sky and the ocean’s breeze.
If one were to describe the reason for my love
Oh, the bereft voice would lead to clear demise,
Nonexistent, inarticulate, muffled
Like the garden of Eden and the elixir of life.
If one were to describe the reason for my love
Oh, how these emotions would obscure judgment,
Murky, blindfolded, nebulous
Like the depths of the Earth and the deafening night.
If one were to describe the reason for my love
Oh, hear the resonance of worship in my voice,
Poignant, vibrant, exuberant
Like the echo of the temple bells
Like the treble of the piano
Like the awakening of the azaan
Like the unison of the mantra.
Ever so unconditional,
Ever so empowered,
Never fearing, never faltering,
My love enraptures me, body and soul.
8.12.09
Compromise... do we have to?
Compromise. Can any relationship be devoid of compromise? Rather... any healthy relationship? Absolutely not. It is sort of like Dr. Phil's take on "what you give better, you get better." Many people tend to shy away from marriage because of how much compromise it involves. But Javed Akhtar, the famous Indian lyricist, has said that compromise is not a bad thing if both people make the "happy" compromise. Step one is to accept that compromise is not an option, it is a necessity. When we can have differences with our parents, the people who have raised us, it is but natural that we have differences with our spouse. Different family backgrounds, upbringing, education, personality... They add so much spice to the mix that something is needed to neutralize it. If your wife complains too much about you leaving your socks everywhere and it absolutely drives you up the wall... or if your husband leaves his socks everywhere and it absolutely drives you up the wall... Same problem becoming an annoyance to both. Either the wife stops complaining or the husband stops littering with socks. Compromise.
The willingness to compromise isn't a trait you develop over night. It is something that becomes are part of your every day approach to life over time. You start to see that compromise will only make your life easier. This is not to say that you should compromise on your ideals or goals. On the contrary! The compromise here would be for the two individuals involved to agree to disagree and move on with their lives. Agree to disagree! Over a course of 40 or 50 years, imagine how much easier your life will be if you just agree to disagree. Compromise!
Barack Obama has said, "A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, 'Huh. It works. It makes sense.'" You know when your compromise is worthwhile. And a worthwhile compromise, especially in marriage, never fails you. Whether it is appreciated by those around your or not, you are doing yourself a favour my comprising. It is sort of like water proofing your home. You know it may rain, it may pour even, but just so long as you have this safety net that assures your safety, you know you'll be just fine. That is exactly the security that being able to compromise 'happily' provides you...
It works, it makes sense!
The willingness to compromise isn't a trait you develop over night. It is something that becomes are part of your every day approach to life over time. You start to see that compromise will only make your life easier. This is not to say that you should compromise on your ideals or goals. On the contrary! The compromise here would be for the two individuals involved to agree to disagree and move on with their lives. Agree to disagree! Over a course of 40 or 50 years, imagine how much easier your life will be if you just agree to disagree. Compromise!
Barack Obama has said, "A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, 'Huh. It works. It makes sense.'" You know when your compromise is worthwhile. And a worthwhile compromise, especially in marriage, never fails you. Whether it is appreciated by those around your or not, you are doing yourself a favour my comprising. It is sort of like water proofing your home. You know it may rain, it may pour even, but just so long as you have this safety net that assures your safety, you know you'll be just fine. That is exactly the security that being able to compromise 'happily' provides you...
It works, it makes sense!
4.12.09
Dr. Phil Part II
"You get what you give. When you give better, you get better.
If you put your relationship in a win/lose situation, it will be a lose/lose situation."
Give better to get better? What? I must say that Dr. Phil is WAY off on this one. Call me pessimistic, but some people just aren't nice. They don't care how much you give, they just want more! And reciprocation? That word does not even exist in their vocabulary! For example, in-law's. When is it ever enough for them? You are never good enough for their son, your mistakes are never forgiven, you never make enough of an effort... never never never! If there was ever a conditional relationship, it would be defined by as the one between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. A daughter-in-law can give and keep giving, but will she ever win her mother-in-law's complete and undying approval? Highly unlikely. You can keep giving better, You can give BEST, but it will always fall short. Reciprocation will only be a result of some miracle or fleeting moment of affection. But, to Dr Phil's credit, I think the point he is trying to make here is that regardless of what we get, we should give. And if we give better (with no expectations, preferably), we just might be surprised! Let us hope Dr. Phil is right on this. It isn't any fun to keep giving and not getting anything in return, is it?
Win/lose situation. Now this can be somewhat probable. I have been reading a great deal about the power of willing lately. I stumbled up on this first when I was skimming through "The Secret". And now again in Dan Brown's "The Lost Symbol". The best way to approach is your marriage is with the intention that you will make it work. If you look at your marriage as being doomed, then it is! No matter how much of a pessimist or even a realist you are, looking at marriage with an optimistic outlook is the key to its success. When you got married, when you took your vows, you did so with the intention of making it work for life! So why then over the course of the years do we lose sight of this promise we make to ourselves and to our spouse? Very good point!
No marriage is perfect. Far from it! But butting marriage against a do or die type of situation would only lead to further demise, wouldn't you say? Forget the win/lose and lose/lose situation. Forget even the win/win situation. It isn't about how well the marriage works, the point is that it works! When you look at it through this perspective, the beauty lies in the simplicity of just wanting to make your marriage work. Period. And that will teach you to give better without any expectation of getting better. See! It is a vicious circle and it does work. Or at least that's what I've convinced myself. But the real question here is, have I convinced you?
If you put your relationship in a win/lose situation, it will be a lose/lose situation."
Give better to get better? What? I must say that Dr. Phil is WAY off on this one. Call me pessimistic, but some people just aren't nice. They don't care how much you give, they just want more! And reciprocation? That word does not even exist in their vocabulary! For example, in-law's. When is it ever enough for them? You are never good enough for their son, your mistakes are never forgiven, you never make enough of an effort... never never never! If there was ever a conditional relationship, it would be defined by as the one between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. A daughter-in-law can give and keep giving, but will she ever win her mother-in-law's complete and undying approval? Highly unlikely. You can keep giving better, You can give BEST, but it will always fall short. Reciprocation will only be a result of some miracle or fleeting moment of affection. But, to Dr Phil's credit, I think the point he is trying to make here is that regardless of what we get, we should give. And if we give better (with no expectations, preferably), we just might be surprised! Let us hope Dr. Phil is right on this. It isn't any fun to keep giving and not getting anything in return, is it?
Win/lose situation. Now this can be somewhat probable. I have been reading a great deal about the power of willing lately. I stumbled up on this first when I was skimming through "The Secret". And now again in Dan Brown's "The Lost Symbol". The best way to approach is your marriage is with the intention that you will make it work. If you look at your marriage as being doomed, then it is! No matter how much of a pessimist or even a realist you are, looking at marriage with an optimistic outlook is the key to its success. When you got married, when you took your vows, you did so with the intention of making it work for life! So why then over the course of the years do we lose sight of this promise we make to ourselves and to our spouse? Very good point!
No marriage is perfect. Far from it! But butting marriage against a do or die type of situation would only lead to further demise, wouldn't you say? Forget the win/lose and lose/lose situation. Forget even the win/win situation. It isn't about how well the marriage works, the point is that it works! When you look at it through this perspective, the beauty lies in the simplicity of just wanting to make your marriage work. Period. And that will teach you to give better without any expectation of getting better. See! It is a vicious circle and it does work. Or at least that's what I've convinced myself. But the real question here is, have I convinced you?
28.11.09
Freedom
Endless blue skies on the horizon
Meadows frolicking with chrysanthemums
Crackling twigs of dried eucalyptus
Warmth of the heated ground underneath
Dew drops tickling the jaded grass
Bicycle imprinted, sienna smeared sidewalks
Blue and white and red stripped blanket
Panacotta and truffles to titivate your basket
Sweating bottles of Gewürz to celebrate
Sunlit strands of shimmering bronze locks
Hands that intertwine with exhilaration
Eyes gallantly shut to rhythmic tunes
Breathing that's laboured from liberation
The music raising your soul
Praise be to freedom, the one you love most.
26.11.09
Good advice?
Dr. Phil's show is legendary on day time television in the US. His advice on relationships, marriage, and other life issues seems to make a ton of difference to some people. So, I figured that you and I should also get a little peek into what makes this man's advice worth listening to. Being left behind in the dust isn't going to help us any, now is it? :)
A Good Marriage
"After being happily married for 32 years, Dr. Phil shares some of his thoughts about what makes a marriage work.
To start with:
1) "The quality of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of the two people involved."
I can see this being relevant to my marriage. After all, my husband and I fell in love and decided that this was "it" for us. We were the best of friends who could confide in each other about nearly anything. So naturally, marriage seemed like the next best step forward for our relationship. But how about those who have an arranged marriage? There is no time for the couple to build a friendship, forget a solid one. I have known of cases where the bride and groom do not see each other until they are on the altar on the brinks of saying good-bye to single life. Are these marriages doomed? Unlikely... Such couples probably have it harder at the start of the marriage, but like all marriages, with time, a bond forms between the two individuals. If we take into consideration the second point where it is clearly stated that marriage needs to meet the needs of both people in the marriage, we see that whether it is a love marriage or arranged becomes a moot point. People fall in love, they get married, they change after marriage, they bicker, they realize that they are not getting what they wanted out marriage, and they separate. In the case of an arranged marriage, you learn to marry with no expectations. You do not know the person you are marrying, what your life will be like with them, or how much you will have to change to live with this new person. Regardless, after a few months or years into the arranged marriage, you realize that you are not getting what you need from your spouse, that it is a waste of energy, and you separate. Doesn't really matter if the marriage was of love or arranged, does it? It simply matters whether each partners' needs are being fulfilled or not. So yes, a strong friendship is the foundation for the success of any happy marriage. To be able to confide, trust, and put faith in your spouse is best support system any one could ask for. And if in the process, your needs are being met AND you are also able to fulfill your spouse's needs, you are one step closer to attaining a content marriage.
Until next time, think about what Dr. Phil has said and if it could apply to you. To any relationship in your life. Be it with your mother or father, your brother or sister, a girl friend or a boy friend, or even just a friend. At the core of every relationship, a solid friendship and mutual fulfillment of needs seems to be the key. Wouldn't you agree? Think about it!
Information from: A good marriage
A Good Marriage
"After being happily married for 32 years, Dr. Phil shares some of his thoughts about what makes a marriage work.
- The quality of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of the two people involved.
- You get what you give. When you give better, you get better.
- If you put your relationship in a win/lose situation, it will be a lose/lose situation.
- Forget whether you're right or wrong. The question is: Is what you're doing working or not working?
- There is no right or wrong way to fix a relationship. Find your own way that works. But recognize when it's not working and be honest when it needs fixing.
- Falling in love is not the same thing as being in love. Embrace the change and know that it takes work.
- You don't fix things by fixing your partner.
- Intimacy is so important because it is when we let someone else enter our private world.
- You don't necessarily solve problems. You learn how to manage them.
- Communicate. Make sure your sentences have verbs. Remember that only 7 percent of communication is verbal. Actions and non-verbal communication speak much louder.
- You teach people how to treat you. You can renegotiate the rules."
To start with:
1) "The quality of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of the two people involved."
I can see this being relevant to my marriage. After all, my husband and I fell in love and decided that this was "it" for us. We were the best of friends who could confide in each other about nearly anything. So naturally, marriage seemed like the next best step forward for our relationship. But how about those who have an arranged marriage? There is no time for the couple to build a friendship, forget a solid one. I have known of cases where the bride and groom do not see each other until they are on the altar on the brinks of saying good-bye to single life. Are these marriages doomed? Unlikely... Such couples probably have it harder at the start of the marriage, but like all marriages, with time, a bond forms between the two individuals. If we take into consideration the second point where it is clearly stated that marriage needs to meet the needs of both people in the marriage, we see that whether it is a love marriage or arranged becomes a moot point. People fall in love, they get married, they change after marriage, they bicker, they realize that they are not getting what they wanted out marriage, and they separate. In the case of an arranged marriage, you learn to marry with no expectations. You do not know the person you are marrying, what your life will be like with them, or how much you will have to change to live with this new person. Regardless, after a few months or years into the arranged marriage, you realize that you are not getting what you need from your spouse, that it is a waste of energy, and you separate. Doesn't really matter if the marriage was of love or arranged, does it? It simply matters whether each partners' needs are being fulfilled or not. So yes, a strong friendship is the foundation for the success of any happy marriage. To be able to confide, trust, and put faith in your spouse is best support system any one could ask for. And if in the process, your needs are being met AND you are also able to fulfill your spouse's needs, you are one step closer to attaining a content marriage.
Until next time, think about what Dr. Phil has said and if it could apply to you. To any relationship in your life. Be it with your mother or father, your brother or sister, a girl friend or a boy friend, or even just a friend. At the core of every relationship, a solid friendship and mutual fulfillment of needs seems to be the key. Wouldn't you agree? Think about it!
Information from: A good marriage
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