Freedom

Endless blue skies on the horizon

Meadows frolicking with chrysanthemums

Crackling twigs of dried eucalyptus

Warmth of the heated ground underneath

Dew drops tickling the jaded grass

Bicycle imprinted, sienna smeared sidewalks

Blue and white and red stripped blanket

Panacotta and truffles to titivate your basket

Sweating bottles of Gewürz to celebrate

Sunlit strands of shimmering bronze locks

Hands that intertwine with exhilaration

Eyes gallantly shut to rhythmic tunes

Breathing that's laboured from liberation

The music raising your soul

Praise be to freedom, the one you love most.

Good advice?

Dr. Phil's show is legendary on day time television in the US. His advice on relationships, marriage, and other life issues seems to make a ton of difference to some people. So, I figured that you and I should also get a little peek into what makes this man's advice worth listening to. Being left behind in the dust isn't going to help us any, now is it? :)

A Good Marriage

"After being happily married for 32 years, Dr. Phil shares some of his thoughts about what makes a marriage work.

• The quality of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of the two people involved.
  
  
• You get what you give. When you give better, you get better.
  
  
• If you put your relationship in a win/lose situation, it will be a lose/lose situation.
  
  
• Forget whether you're right or wrong. The question is: Is what you're doing working or not working?
  
  
• There is no right or wrong way to fix a relationship. Find your own way that works. But recognize when it's not working and be honest when it needs fixing.
  
  
• Falling in love is not the same thing as being in love. Embrace the change and know that it takes work.
  
  
• You don't fix things by fixing your partner.
  
  
• Intimacy is so important because it is when we let someone else enter our private world.
  
  
• You don't necessarily solve problems. You learn how to manage them.
  
  
• Communicate. Make sure your sentences have verbs. Remember that only 7 percent of communication is verbal. Actions and non-verbal communication speak much louder.
  
  
• You teach people how to treat you. You can renegotiate the rules."

I have read and re-read all of the points that Dr. Phil makes. And I have decided to spend the next few days dissecting each one. If I should find that it could make a difference to my marriage, I intend to incorporate it into my actions. It never hurts to try, does it?

To start with:
1) "The quality of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of the two people involved."

I can see this being relevant to my marriage. After all, my husband and I fell in love and decided that this was "it" for us. We were the best of friends who could confide in each other about nearly anything. So naturally, marriage seemed like the next best step forward for our relationship. But how about those who have an arranged marriage? There is no time for the couple to build a friendship, forget a solid one. I have known of cases where the bride and groom do not see each other until they are on the altar on the brinks of saying good-bye to single life. Are these marriages doomed? Unlikely... Such couples probably have it harder at the start of the marriage, but like all marriages, with time, a bond forms between the two individuals. If we take into consideration the second point where it is clearly stated that marriage needs to meet the needs of both people in the marriage, we see that whether it is a love marriage or arranged becomes a moot point. People fall in love, they get married, they change after marriage, they bicker, they realize that they are not getting what they wanted out marriage, and they separate. In the case of an arranged marriage, you learn to marry with no expectations. You do not know the person you are marrying, what your life will be like with them, or how much you will have to change to live with this new person. Regardless, after a few months or years into the arranged marriage, you realize that you are not getting what you need from your spouse, that it is a waste of energy, and you separate. Doesn't really matter if the marriage was of love or arranged, does it? It simply matters whether each partners' needs are being fulfilled or not. So yes, a strong friendship is the foundation for the success of any happy marriage. To be able to confide, trust, and put faith in your spouse is best support system any one could ask for. And if in the process, your needs are being met AND you are also able to fulfill your spouse's needs, you are one step closer to attaining a content marriage.
Until next time, think about what Dr. Phil has said and if it could apply to you. To any relationship in your life. Be it with your mother or father, your brother or sister, a girl friend or a boy friend, or even just a friend. At the core of every relationship, a solid friendship and mutual fulfillment of needs seems to be the key. Wouldn't you agree? Think about it!

Information from: A good marriage

Tick tock!

I have no idea what this post is going to be about. I just feel like writing. And since I promised to write about marriage, that is exactly what I shall do!
Marriage is full of surprises. You know that famous quote in Forrest Gump? "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." Marriage is also like a box of chocolates. It ain't ever too easy, ain't ever too hard, and it kicks you up and teaches you lessons you never knew existed. I am a little peaceful right now. With my husband, my life, and my choices. But that is the thing about marriage. If makes you feel fantastic one second, and in the dumps the very next.
Well... on second thought! Is that the fault of marriage? or is that our fault? Our inability to look beyond the bullshit (please excuse the language!). My husband always asks me to look beyond all the mundane nonsense, the stuff you can afford to ignore. I could learn a thing or two from him. He is quite an impeccable man. With a clear and unfaltering vision, he lives his life one day to the next. In his world, limited bullshit = limited drama = limited harassment. Unfortunately, this worked for him until he got married. See, that's the thing about marriage! No matter how perfect you are, your better (or worse) half can make things that much more challenging for you. I can plead guilty to make our first few months of marriage difficult for my husband. Although I know the saying that it takes two to tango, I also know that realization is a beautiful thing. Now, I don't claim to know the anecdote to making marriage work. I'm just saying that I think I'm finally on the right track.
What gave me this unobstructed opportunity to think? A) Living with my husband, on our own, without the in-laws, or constant family interference. B) Learning how amazing a human being my husband truly is. C) Knowing that no matter what, this is a choice that I made, and that it is also up to me to make it work.
Marriage. It is like a diamond. The more you chip away the roughened and unnecessary edges, the clearer it gets, and the more invaluable it is.
So, here's to a happy post and a happy day! (Note: I am happy despite having a fever, a runny nose, body pains, and a major sinus infection. That's what a great husband (and shopping!) can do for you when you feel like absolute turd!)

Human courage

Napoleon Bonaparte said, "Courage isn't having the strength to go on - it is going on when you don't have strength." Let us step back and think about courage. Introspect a little. After losing a loved one, how does one find the strength to wake up the next morning to face the emptiness? When a pet goes missing, how does one find the strength to walk home to home with the tiny hope that someone might have seen your precious pet? Even after there is no strength to get up and go on, how does one still find it in them to get up and move on? Would we call this courage? Is it innate?
The best answer to this question can be illustrated by looking at a spouse who has lost their significant other. After over 50 years of living together, my friend's mother lost her 92 old husband to old age. Needless to say, the entire family was shattered at losing the man who imbibed in them the values that founded their very being. A man known to make women weak in their knees, known to command respect from people of all ages, and most importantly, known to love his family above all else. Through her period of mourning, Mami (as my friend calls her mother) often wondered when her day would come. She could not imagine waking up in her bed every morning knowing that her husband's warm and loving embrace would be missing. But then weeks passed, and months... my friend visited Mami in their hometown over Christmas, nearly six months after her father's demise. A void clearly filled the room, making its way into the tensed laughter of all the family members. Before their arrival to Mami's house, no one felt Mami could handle her first Christmas without her husband. But her smiling, laughing, and tearing up with joy pleasantly surprised every single person in the room, and to see the strength that exuberated from her very core gave them hope. A strong woman, she came to terms with her life and her necessity to go on . I saw photos of Mami and her family from their Christmas that year. She was glowing, happy as ever knowing that her entire family was with her. And although she had lost her husband, she took solace in the love her children and grand children and GREAT grand children showered up on her.
This is human courage. The innate instinct to go on, to find strength where there is no hope, to find courage where this is no strength. I often wonder how I will react if, in 60 years, god forbid, I were to lose my husband. Would I have the courage to go on? I can't say I know, or that I want to find out. But people like Mami are living proof that human courage is a great thing, and the only thing that gives us that strength to keep on truckin'.

Flee

The touch of a somber night
cutting deep through your soul
no starry skies
no moonlit shadows
does the silence scare you?
does it make you want to flee?

The hollow beat of a heart
soft footsteps in the snow
no cacophony filled streets
no church bells announcing the hour
does the silence scare you?
does it make you want to flee?

A sudden jerk in the air
shifting leaves around you
the instinct of another's existence
so near, so far, a scent so familiar
does the silence scare you?
does it make you want to flee?

A man around the corner
the silhouette you know so well
the curving of his back
the roughened edges of his fingers
does the beauty scare you?
does it make you want to flee?

Forbidden love knocking at your door
passion that rekindles the forgotten fire
savouring the seconds of intimate tremors
gripping you, accosting you, taking you away
does the union scare you?
does it make you want to flee?

Rising next to this worldly wonder
chains that you will never break loose
time that passes slowly with caution
years that wipe away memories of passion
does the familiarity scare you?
does it make you want to flee?

Forever love?

Marriage. Does it promise forever love? In an ideal world, we would all hope so. But the reality is far from it. About two years ago, I was talking to a co-worker about family and marriage. Her parents had divorced after being together for nearly 15 years. They were college sweethearts and had a very loving relationship. But why the divorce? She said that they merely fell out of love. A few years later, they both remarried other people and stayed the best of friends. How, in an ideal world, does this work? More importantly, why do people fall out love?
Is it lack of communication? Does the passion just die out? Infidelity? Domestic abuse? Financial stress? Or for no particular reason at all? The reasons could be endless.
Despite popular belief, statistics show that the divorce rate in the USA has decreased (3.7 in 2006, 3.5 in 2008) (See www.cdc.gov). At the same time, marriage rates have also decreased although there has been an increase in the country's population . More people are choosing to stay single or opt for live-in relationships. Even in a country like India, more women are getting married after their late twenties, if they marry at all. Commonly asked questions now are: what are the benefits of marriage? am I too independent to get married? will I be less happy if I choose to remain single? Is marriage the goal of life? If you stand strong long enough, family and societal pressure tends to wear off. They figure you to be a lost cause and move right along with their lives. In the future, country consensus reports have to provide for information on the number of single citizens in a country, the number of couples living together, the number married, and the number divorced. Mere analysis of the married or the divorced will fail to suffice. I guess this is bound to make life and the world more interesting.
All this said... do such radical changes in the world and in societies across the world bear witness to the truth that we are starting to become more tolerant and more understanding of individualism? And if we, as human beings, are learning to appreciate individuality and the freedom to choose and live on individual terms, is it so unfathomable that two individualistic and tolerant people can make a marriage work AND remain in love at the same time?
Finally... Keeping in the mind that not all marriages have 'The Notebook' ending, is it unrealistic, nonetheless, to strive for such a passion and satisfaction in marriage? Maybe we could learn a thing or two from Nicholas Sparks's books, for somehow they just seem to make love simple and love in marriage even simpler...

When was 'marriage' established?

Despite being such a common institution across the world, it is almost impossible to find conclusive information on when exactly the concept of marriage or marrying came into being. Try looking for yourself... My first instinct told me to look for the origin of marriage or the history of marriage on Google. I was amazed to find that only ONE website could provide an approximate timeline on marriage and its many phases, predominantly in Western civilization. But the irony of it is, there is no information on what the institution of marriage used to be called before Roman times. The only thing that can be established, however, is that the concept of 'marriage', so to speak, existed before recorded history. In different cultures through the globe, marriage used to exist as a means for progeny and nurturing. Call it animal instinct if you should...

The etymology of modern English marriage (ca. 1250-1300 C.E.): Marriage was first derived from Latin marītāre (to marry) and marītus (of marriage), then from Old French marier (to marry), and finally from Middle English mariage.

Food for thought...
Consider all the ideas surrounding modern day marriage in your culture, in your family, in your immediate peer circle. Now imagine that all the rules and regulations -- the do's and dont's, the have to's, and the should do's, they are all predicated by us. Over the years... these are guidelines that we have imposed upon ourselves as means of being 'civilized.' But the real question here is, are we more civilized today than we were in the days when marriage was nothing but a simple union between two individuals who wanted to respond to their instincts? Or have we restricted the simplicity of this union to such extents that somewhere along the way we have lost the true beauty and joy of this universal relationship?

While I try to dig deeper and find more concrete information on marriage, here is the only solid information I could find online:

The evolution of marriage: a timeline

Prehistoric - Marriage basically turns strangers into relatives, decreasing tribal tensions.

3,000 B.C. - Marriage first becomes the way the upper classes conclude business deals and peace treaties, cementing socio-political alliances. Ancient societies experiment with polygamy - and in the case of Egyptian royalty, incest among siblings - to forge strong bonds of civilization.

500 B.C. - Short-lived experiment in democracy in ancient Greece actually worsens the status of women. Love is honored - but among men only. In marriage, inheritance is more important than emotional bonds: A woman whose father dies without male heirs can be forced to marry her nearest male relative, even if she has to divorce her husband first.

Circa A.D. 550 - Emperor Justinian tries to enact a requirement for a wedding license, but the unpopular measure is revoked. (He, meanwhile, managed to get a law passed that allowed him to marry a "penitent" former actress, Theodora ).

A.D. 800 - Holy Roman Emperor Charlemagne outlaws polygamy. Germanic warlords, even baptized Christians, still acquire wives for strategic reasons.

900 - The Roman Catholic Church tries to require people to obtain the church's blessing of sexual unions, but is reluctant to thereby create millions of "illegitimate" children whose parents don't obey the edict. The church, however, wins a battle by denying royalty the right to divorce on a whim.

1000 - Catholic clergy are no longer allowed to marry. Upper-class marriages are often arranged before the couple has met. Aristocrats believe love is incompatible with marriage and can flourish only in adultery.

1200 - Common folk in Europe now need a marriage license to wed. Ordinary people can't choose whom to marry, either. The lord of one manor decrees in 1344 that all his unmarried tenants - including the widowed - must marry spouses of his choosing. Elsewhere, peasants wishing to pick a partner must pay a fee.

1500-1600 - Protestant moralists elevate the status of marriage over the Catholic gold standard of celibacy, but enact even stricter controls over annulments.

1769 - The American colonies, basing their regulations on English common law, decree: "The very being and legal existence of the woman is suspended during the marriage, or at least is incorporated into that of her husband under whose wing and protection she performs everything."

1800 - Marriage for love, not for property or prestige, is gaining wider acceptance. But women are still completely subjected to male authority.

1874 - The South Carolina Supreme Court rules that men no longer may beat their wives.

1891 - England's Parliament passes a law that men cannot imprison their wives (or deny them freedom of movement from the home).

1900 - By now, every state in America has passed legislation modeled after New York's Married Women's Property Act of 1848, granting married women some control over their property and earnings.

1920s - The Roaring Twenties bring about the biggest sexual revolution in marriage to-date and divorce rates triple. The Supreme Court upholds people's right to marry someone of a different religion.

1965 - In Griswold v. Connecticut, the U.S. Supreme Court overturns one of the last state laws prohibiting the prescription or use of contraceptives by married couples. Seven years later, the right to use contraceptives is extended to unmarried people.

1967 - Interracial marriage is decriminalized in all states when the U.S. Supreme Court strikes down Virginia's anti-miscegenation statutes.

1968 - The Supreme Court upholds the rights of children of unmarried parents.

1969 - California adopts the nation's first "no-fault" divorce law, allowing divorce by mutual consent.

1970s - Most states overturn rules designating a husband "head and master" with unilateral control of property owned jointly with his wife.

Information from: A little perspective on marriage

What an auspicious day to start!

Marriage. It changes everything you know as a person. It forces you to dig deep, muster strength, and nurture patience. But ever wonder... how did marriage come into existence? what does marriage mean? why do human beings strive to achieve a successful marriage as the ultimate goal? do we truly understand the purpose of marriage?
Many would say that marriage is a very individual experience. It is never the same for two people nor will it ever be. But the basic foundations of marriage will speak many languages to people from varying backgrounds and genders -- be it ethnic, financial, geographic, religious (or non), literate (or illiterate), and societal stature. So what is it about marriage that makes it common ground for people to relate? It was after my wedding and my first few months into marriage that I found myself asking these questions. And these few tumultuous months were the catalyst for this blog. A place where I hope to find myself in marriage, find reason where there are only doubts, and find peace in a union that will last a lifetime.
So keep reading... coz this blog will be a treat for all those married, single, committed, or in an it's complicated relationship status. You will relate to everything I write, and if you don't, you will be baffled by the things that marriage involves

Note: My experiences are purely that of a woman raised in a very open and tolerant family environment, but living in a society that has little tolerance for most things in life. However, let me assure you that no matter how different our backgrounds are, we will without a doubt understand each other.